Friday, September 12, 2014

Well, today is Friday and my week off of work is almost over.  Jaelynn has been in the world now for 4 days.  My emotions and feelings are all over the place and I still have to keep it together for their sake.  I can’t break down, can’t allow myself to fall apart.  Holding everything together is making me into a boiling pot of water and I am about to spill over.

There is a stronge desire to run away, escape, or leave.  Go somewhere quiet and peaceful.  A place where I can breathe.  No more suffocation.  No more worry.  No more stress and drama.  A quiet and safe haven to allow my muse take over, transporting me into another realm, far far away from reality.

But I don’t run away.  I don’t let my muse kidnap me.  I stay, chained to the wall of responsibility and duty.  Forced to endure the torment and torture that worry, stress, and depression inflict upon me repeatedly.

I wonder how this can be living?  Is it worth it to live if life is not happy.  You always hear lay your own pavement to happiness, and I really want to do that.  But I am not allowed to do that.

If I make my own happiness, it will also brand me selfish, unresponsible, and a horrible soul.

So I ask again, what is the point?